Tuesday, December 14, 2004
i shall not doubt
during that time...
I woke up at 5am with a glad heart. I already had a list of the things I would do for the day and I was determined to finish everything in the list (as long as God permits).
I started my day spending quiet time with the Lord and was surprised when I felt an urge to do something-- a prompting in which I knew I had to respond. But I refused to respond. I didn't want to do that thing. It seemed ridiculous. Im afraid that [he/she/they] might mis-interpret me. So I chose to ignore it. I tried to convince myself that it was just my mind that created that thought -- an imagination, or maybe a thing in the unconscious.
I went through my day, took a bath, did the usual stuff and at around 10am, left the house to meet the day's challenge, still determined to finish all the things I listed to do.
As I did my stuff, the idea from early that morning that I had to do something kept coming back to mind. So I realized that I had no control over the circumstances around me - not even in my own thoughts. Ok, then, another realization, I thought. Yet still, I ignored it. I continued doing my work. I had to finish everything in the list. Suddenly, in the middle of my task, I felt gloomy. So, I had to energize myself, my feelings and my emotions, because I had tons of work to do for the day. I just can't afford to attend to other things (that are crazy, in my own thoughts).
I continued doing my work. It became so hard, I couldn't concentrate. Then, I felt weak. Again, the thought of that thing came to mind. Yet still, I ignored it. I continued doing my work.
After a time of trying to control everything in me, I felt bad physically and emotionally -- so I had to cancel my "million-dollar" tutorial that day. I didn't think I could make my way to Shaw feeling that unexplainable something in me. The thought from early that morning came to mind again. I ignored it. And this time, I felt that my condition got worse. I wanted to cry. From here, I knew something's wrong. (Am I in a warfare?) So, I stopped doing my work. I tried to think of a way to do what I had to do. I had no idea. I opened my yahoo mail, friendster, blog, and some other sites I know. I read my messages. I posted some. I was totally confused. I really didn't know what to do. No, I mean, I know what to do but I just don't want to do it.
I could not understand. I wanted some explanation before doing it.
Then, I went spiraling down spiritually.
I wrestled with the Lord. "Is it You?" I just don't want to do that thing. "Lord, you know what and how I feel," I argued. "Please just let me go through this day. And besides, I don't want to ruin what's left for me."
I was silenced.
I ended up that day having done nothing in the list -- I was so unproductive. And unhappy. Gloom was all over me.
And then came my moments of pity-party.
I forgot that He's my Lord and that He's under control. I forgot that He knows more -- so much more -- than I do. I tried to take control of my circumstance. I was wrong to think I knew what's the best for me. It made me feel so bad.
I should have obeyed Him. I should have followed Him. I should have trusted Him.
Now, it's clear to me why I felt that way during that day.
I'm so sorry for not having enough courage to do as the Lord has commanded me. Please seek Him. And try to understand.
I woke up at 5am with a glad heart. I already had a list of the things I would do for the day and I was determined to finish everything in the list (as long as God permits).
I started my day spending quiet time with the Lord and was surprised when I felt an urge to do something-- a prompting in which I knew I had to respond. But I refused to respond. I didn't want to do that thing. It seemed ridiculous. Im afraid that [he/she/they] might mis-interpret me. So I chose to ignore it. I tried to convince myself that it was just my mind that created that thought -- an imagination, or maybe a thing in the unconscious.
I went through my day, took a bath, did the usual stuff and at around 10am, left the house to meet the day's challenge, still determined to finish all the things I listed to do.
As I did my stuff, the idea from early that morning that I had to do something kept coming back to mind. So I realized that I had no control over the circumstances around me - not even in my own thoughts. Ok, then, another realization, I thought. Yet still, I ignored it. I continued doing my work. I had to finish everything in the list. Suddenly, in the middle of my task, I felt gloomy. So, I had to energize myself, my feelings and my emotions, because I had tons of work to do for the day. I just can't afford to attend to other things (that are crazy, in my own thoughts).
I continued doing my work. It became so hard, I couldn't concentrate. Then, I felt weak. Again, the thought of that thing came to mind. Yet still, I ignored it. I continued doing my work.
After a time of trying to control everything in me, I felt bad physically and emotionally -- so I had to cancel my "million-dollar" tutorial that day. I didn't think I could make my way to Shaw feeling that unexplainable something in me. The thought from early that morning came to mind again. I ignored it. And this time, I felt that my condition got worse. I wanted to cry. From here, I knew something's wrong. (Am I in a warfare?) So, I stopped doing my work. I tried to think of a way to do what I had to do. I had no idea. I opened my yahoo mail, friendster, blog, and some other sites I know. I read my messages. I posted some. I was totally confused. I really didn't know what to do. No, I mean, I know what to do but I just don't want to do it.
I could not understand. I wanted some explanation before doing it.
Then, I went spiraling down spiritually.
I wrestled with the Lord. "Is it You?" I just don't want to do that thing. "Lord, you know what and how I feel," I argued. "Please just let me go through this day. And besides, I don't want to ruin what's left for me."
I was silenced.
I ended up that day having done nothing in the list -- I was so unproductive. And unhappy. Gloom was all over me.
And then came my moments of pity-party.
I forgot that He's my Lord and that He's under control. I forgot that He knows more -- so much more -- than I do. I tried to take control of my circumstance. I was wrong to think I knew what's the best for me. It made me feel so bad.
I should have obeyed Him. I should have followed Him. I should have trusted Him.
Now, it's clear to me why I felt that way during that day.
I'm so sorry for not having enough courage to do as the Lord has commanded me. Please seek Him. And try to understand.
# posted by Lyn : 8:28 AM
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oi ang hirap basahin neto? ibahin mo naman color ng font mo...hehehe!
ela
ela
# posted by 
: Friday, January 28, 2005
: Friday, January 28, 2005
sa mga nagsasabing hindi nila 'to maintindihan... well, maiintindihan ño lang po ito kung kayo ang involve.
thanks for reading!Ü
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thanks for reading!Ü
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